The Perfect Job

Man at work

The Diary of Mr Kain

Beard Face has started looking for a new job and because myself and the other cats in the house are, what you would call, good Samaritans, we’ve decided to help the old boy out. Things got off to a promising start when Charlie found a listing for a temporary lamp post i.e. a person to pretend to be said lamp post while the local council took their time replacing the now defunct one. Beardy went for the job but it didn’t work out. He just wasn’t intelligent enough for the position. We should have seen that one coming.

Buggles found a job for the old boy as a life guard. Beard Face failed the probation period for not only allowing six people to almost drown but for failing to stop urination in the pool. It’s one thing having a child doing its business in the pool but when the lifeguard on duty stands on the diving board and attempts to recreate Niagara Falls, well, that’s a completely different matter and enough to get you the sack.

Razz suggested Beard Face try his luck by flipping burgers at McDonalds. This was the best Beardy did so far. He managed to flip the burgers without a problem. Unfortunately, when he flipped them, they landed in his mouth and were quickly consumed. Suffice to say, the customers were not happy to order and receive burgers with everything included except the burger. The old boy tried to placate them with gifts of novelty toys but it didn’t have the desired effect. The customers said they’d have a use for the toys, I just can’t print what they had in mind here!

Man at work
An artist’s impression of Beard Face at work. He hasn’t figured out what the mop or the bag are for yet!

Bilbo figured that Beard Face couldn’t go wrong as a road sweeper and we all concurred on this, except for our hapless owner. Beard Face managed just one shift. He was so bad at it that both the broom he used and the actual road sweeper were somehow swept up and tossed into a nearby skip. How Beard Face managed to accomplish this and what he used to sweep the sweepers away remains something of a mystery.

Getting desperate, Frodo got Beard Face an interview at a nearby pharmacy. This seemed a recipe for disaster and so it proved. Within a week of working at the pharmacy, the police responded to calls of the locals running around naked, swinging from traffic lights and calling everyone they met either Mavis or Benny. It turns out that the different types of medicine had Beardy somewhat confused so he opted to trade the stock with Sly Sly, the local drug dealer and by far the slyest man in all of Yorkshire. What Beard Face has been giving the locals is probably best left to conjecture.

Finally, I happened upon a job in the local paper advertising for a poo cleaner. I assumed it was a misprint for pool cleaner but unbelievably there were no typos. The job specified intelligence (tricky!), attention to detail (unlikely!), punctuality (debatable!), teamwork (probably not!), hard working (really!) and 100% stupid and gullible (sold!). Beard Face is a month into his job and his employers report that he is the best candidate they’ve ever had. The others realised after one shift that they were being taken for a ride. Beard Face it seems has found the perfect job.


Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

Latest posts by Mr Kain (see all)

Pin It

Leave a Comment