The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #1

Wedding cake

The Diary of Mr Kain

After months in the wilderness I have finally decided to resume my diary. A lot has changed since I last checked in. For one, we have moved house which has gone better than I expected. Had the move amounted to more than 20 miles though it may just have been possible to jettison Beard Face but, alas, the old boy still remains with us like an unidentifiable stain on the wall that no cleaning product will shift. Each week I’ll offer a summary of the goings on in the Brown household. There will be laughs, tears, maybe some flatulence and there’s bound to be the odd incident where Beard Face or Frizzy Hair leave myself and the other five cats wondering why us.


Beard Face’s running regime is gathering pace. He’s now back to 3 minutes without stopping. That’s the same as the average British man in bed. Not bad going, old boy!


Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were very vocal during the night. Thankfully there was nothing amorous about these exchanges. They were watching Gordon Ramsay’s Costa Del Nightmares which was in France for some reason. This week Gordon had to rescue a restaurant where the staff lived in the walls, the owner looked like Guy Ritchie in the aftermath of a severe breakdown, and in this part of the world Argentina was just around the corner. Since watching the episode Beard Face and Frizzy Hair have been frequently shouting “Passion!” and laughing like a couple of schoolgirls at a One Direction concert. Embarrassing stuff.

Wedding cake
This is what all the cats were hoping wouldn’t happen during the house move. Frizzy Hair kept her man and our suffering remained.


It was the Great British Bake Off today and Paul Hollywood was in meticulous mode, demonstrating his ability to count cake layers with a knife. Beard Face was disappointed that none of the bakers created something with a phallic shape but it’s important to remember that the mental and mature capacity of these people eclipses that of the beard a hundred fold.


The sale of our house back in Huddersfield finally went through. It was supposed to happen yesterday but like the building of the Wembley Stadium things weren’t quite on time. I’m so relieved. Beard Face has been sweating on this house move for so long that I’ve taken to wearing a life jacket and sleeping in a canoe around the house. Frizzy Hair handled the event with her usual aplomb. What a girl.


It was a surreal moment today as Beard Face and Frizzy Hair tuned into Gogglebox. Two people sitting watching a program about other people sitting and watching television was a bit too much for my brain. It was clear from the selection of programs and the feedback that Cheryl Cole is a bit of a bitch these days while some of the younger generation in Britain have a lot to learn about the world outside their living room.


Beard Face had a stomach upset today and Frizzy Hair has started writing a novel. The two events are not related but I couldn’t be bothered to put them in a separate sentence. I suspect the old boy’s issues are his stomach protesting at being part of him and wanting its freedom. As for Frizzy Hair, well, she’s writing a romance with the odd bit of sex in there. Beard Face needed three hours of intense explanation before he understood the phrase, “Lie back and think of England.” Why Frizzy Hair married this narrow-minded dipshit is a question that continues to rub shoulders with the world’s greatest mysteries such as the Mary Celeste and the popularity of Justin Bieber.


The end of a busy week saw Beard Face visiting family. The house is so much nicer when the spawn of Shrek isn’t here. It’s just a shame that he and Frizzy Hair are near attached at the hip. We love having her around but not her dope of a husband. That said, she’s trying to reform Beard Face by having him read a guidebook for men on how to be cat ladies. I have these awful visions of Beard Face looking like Freddie Mercury in the I Want To Break Free video, though with less convincing facial hair.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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