The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #2

Cat and rat

The Diary of Mr Kain


I watched Beard Face peg the washing out today. It took him 37 attempts to put one bed sheet on the line. The complex task of folding it in half and placing it evenly over the line was clearly beyond the old boy. I could have watched this spectacle for the remainder of the day but opted to do something more gratifying such as knocking a pen off a table or purposefully missing the litter tray just to annoy my owners.


Gordon Ramsay’s Costa Del Nightmares was an improvement this week. We at least returned to Spain but spent the episode in a restaurant where the lift didn’t work and the lines on Gordon’s face began to deepen by the minute. I’ve sussed this show out though. The formula is:- Crap restaurant – Gordon visits and hates food – Gordon make food and restaurant better – first service with him starts well, goes shit, improves dramatically – Gordon leaves. Despite this consistent formula we keep tuning into the show. I’m hoping the next series will be entitled Gordon Ramsay’s Yorkshire Nightmares.

Cat and rat
Mr Kain’s plans for a new Great British Bake Off format are currently under consideration at the BBC!


Wednesday saw the Great British Bake Off final – #GBBO – or, as I like to call it: Get this Baking Bollocks Off-my-telly. Honestly, after weeks of watching Beard Face and Frizzy Hair ooh and aah over something they would eat in about thirty seconds, I’m ready for a new TV show. I’ll take this opportunity to pitch it here:

The Great British Mouse Off sees committed cats bringing home tastefully prepared mice.  Signature round: how beautifully your cat disembowels the mouse. Technical challenge: how fatally your cat disembowels the mouse. Showstopper: can your cat disembowel the mouse and decapitate it in the allotted time.  It has to be a winner. Nothing can be sillier than this baking malarkey.


Every so often Beard Face will awaken from his constant state of imbecility and say something that actually makes him sound human. Today that utterance was a simple question, “Is it raining?” It was. The aftermath of this moment came close to a bloodbath when Buggles responded to Beard Face by saying, “I hadn’t noticed.” Cue the billboards with Andie MacDowell on and the emblazoned red slogans saying, “Corny, mushy lines? F**k you!”


We watched Gogglebox today and Frizzy Hair was getting gushy about a posh couple who are clearly in love after many years together. Frizzy Hair was so enamoured with this couple that she overlooked the husband bringing the pet dog into the room in an ice bucket and supping wine from a glass that clearly belonged to the Incredible Hulk. I like to think that one day Gogglebox will focus on our house where Frizzy Hair will be busy killing things on her iPad, while Beard Face will be spending his evenings trying to figure out what T.V. actually stands for.


A bit of peace in the Brown house today. Frizzy Hair and Beard Face disappeared to do some shopping and we took advantage of the terrible weather to laugh at the thought of them being caught in the rain. Oh, happy times. Sadly, Frizzy Hair had forgotten her coat so she morphed into the Incredible Frizz (never a good look). Our dinner was delayed as Beard Face spent the subsequent couple of hours following their arrival home trying to combat her static influence on all things electrical. Ho hum.


Both Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were in foul moods today and it had nothing to do with the hole Beardy found in one of his slippers. No one is owning up to that one. They both improved later after a couple of beers. Sunday often sees people going to church and I have to say I’m starting to believe in divine intervention as Beardy’s beloved Barnsley FC won a game 3-1 despite being 1-0 down after less than a minute. The old boy was in a great mood this evening and resorted to belly dancing, while keeping the arse scratching to a minimum. The belly dancing is somewhat more intimidating.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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