The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #3

Mowing lawn

The Diary of Mr Kain


Beard Face is progressing with Dexter, many years after the rest of us finished the show and lamented the awful ending. Beardy is still on Season One and so far he’s struggling. He keeps singing The Beatles’ Lovely Rita whenever Dexter’s girlfriend is on, he thinks Deb looks weird and he’s confused that the Ice Truck Killer has yet to murder an ice truck. That’s the level of simplicity that Frizzy Hair is having to deal with here. Bless her. She’s has far more patience than most people.


Today marked the long-awaited return of The Apprentice on British television. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were eager viewers and so was I. First impressions were that Lord Sugar’s hair had receded even more, Karen looked a little older and Nick seemed to be exactly the same as when the show first started 10 years ago. What’s that all about? The candidates themselves, of which there are 20 this time, were not inspiring. I think they’d have trouble selling bamboo to pandas.

Mowing lawn
This is how Beard Face imagines he’ll look mowing the lawn. I’m picturing the lawn looking like Mordor to be honest.


Beard Face wasn’t here for most of the day. He was staying over with one of his friends and when I say “friends” I do actually mean someone that is living and breathing, not an imaginary one. What he got up to remains a mystery but Frizzy Hair certainly revelled in the old boy’s absence. She smiled ten times more than usual for a start. The rest of us were able to behave any way we liked. Frizzy Hair is less strict with us.


Beard Face sadly came back to the house today. Turns out it’s not easy to lose track between Doncaster and Barnsley. Hopefully next time Beard Face can go somewhere far away like Southampton or Singapore. In the evening we resumed our viewing of The Apprentice and there was a double firing from Lord Sugar. Charlie was swooning every time he pointed his finger and said, “You’re fired.” I’m just grateful it stopped at two firings because if it had been a hat trick Charlie may well have exploded with joy.


I spent an hour with Buggles today discussing great philosophers from across history. Buggles then decided to show off his new found knowledge to the rest of the group. His narratives about Soccer, Platypus, Arsebiscuits, Ariel, Larx, Boudoir and Fartre had to be heard to be believed. In the evening the family enjoyed a trio of British comedies though by the time we reached the third of these, Frizzy Hair was still explaining jokes to Beard Face from the first show.


Beard Face spent most of the day studying the lawn. Frizzy Hair had mowed it the other week but the edges were still uncut. Beard Face spent hours pondering why the grass was shorter in the middle than at the edges. He simply couldn’t work it out. Frizzy Hair sat her incompetent husband down and explained the entire thing. It’s a strange sight watching clarity and understanding wash over Beard Face. He’s now determined to sort the lawn asap but isn’t sure what tool will do the job. Frizzy Hair was too tired to explain this part of the gardening process, pissed as she was at this point on half a dozen glasses of Port.


Beard Face purchased some lawn trimmers today and proceeded to walk around Barnsley town centre with them. This was a most unusual sight as you can imagine. Some of the piss heads were so intoxicated that they screamed and ran away from Beardy. Normally, this would be an understandable reaction but their reasoning was not the old boy’s face but the fact they had mistaken him for the Grim Reaper. Alcohol can do those things to you.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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