The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #6


The Diary of Mr Kain


Charlie is excited about the imminent arrival of Bleaklisted Books. Championed by Beard Face and Frizzy Hair, looking to profit from the ramblings of a sadistic maniac, the book is out at the end of November and chronicles a series of books Charlie has read and condemned for a multitude of reasons. Sounds compelling reading. Think I’ll stick with my James Patterson novels.


Beard Face’s job search continues. This week he decided to try his luck with a job as a Cat Whisperer. He asked me if I’d mind being a guinea pig for him to experiment on before the interview. I asked him if he’d mind being a guinea pig for my experiment on whether human testicles can power a hair dryer. Surprisingly, the old boy declined, so I did the same.

This is what Beard Face looks like when he drinks at home. Thankfully, when he went out to drink in town he remembered his trousers.


I was a tad disappointed with The Apprentice tonight. Lord Sugar only fired one person. In fairness, she felt that Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn had grown apart before the impatient king had her beheaded. Talk about understatements. I thought she was going to imply that the Hundred Years War was just a minor disagreement that no one took seriously. History is important. Too many forget that. Go back to Ancient Egypt and look up that bit about cats being worshipped as gods. Found it? Good. Now make that the gospel of your lives.


Beard Face’s weak grasp of technology continues to be frighteningly evident. Poor Frizzy Hair was having trouble with her Mac freezing and was worried she was about to lose her work. Beard Face suggested thawing the Mac out in the microwave or at least running it under a hot shower until it felt better. Frizzy Hair had no response to this other than to get up and leave the room.


I was in a good mood today so tried to educate Buggles about the Star Wars saga. Buggles couldn’t understand why Darth Vader wasn’t using an inhaler for his breathing difficulties and he also wondered whether Chewbacca kept such an immaculate coat by using Timotei. As for the lightsabers, well, Buggles was able to connect them to the ice cream van that stops outside our house once a week. I’ll let you complete that connection.


Beard Face and Frizzy Hair came home drunk today. They met up with Beardy’s brother and drank far too much. Beard Face was so bad that he tried to get amorous with the washing machine while Frizzy Hair mistook poor Bilbo for a toothbrush. There isn’t a feline equivalent of alcohol and days like these make me so grateful.


Frizzy Hair wasn’t very well today so I had to be on my best behaviour. If she was upstairs, I stayed downstairs. If she entered the room, I left the room. If we were nearby I licked her hand and made a fuss of her. If she was far away I licked myself in that inappropriate manner we felines find so gratifying. It isn’t sordid. We’re just keeping ourselves clean.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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