The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #24

Mother's Day

The Diary of Mr Kain

Monday

Proper OMG stuff today. Like totally out there bizarre and all that shit. Beard Face has decided to apply for teacher training. He has next to no chance of being accepted but the idea of him being responsible for teaching young people is completely horrifying. What’s he going to teach them? How to sit around the house all day in their underpants, twiddling their moobs, farting along to Eastenders and eating chocolate cake with a straw? Future generations at the mercy of the beard? Please no!

Tuesday

Beard Face has had his hair cut today by Frizzy Hair. He’s gone from looking like a rejected member of William Wallace’s rebel army to a complete toss pot with very short hair. The transformation isn’t really extraordinary, just disturbing. Beard Face has spent the last few hours running his fingers through his hair and saying “Feels so smooth, like silk or some kind of anal cream.” Disturbing doesn’t even do justice.

Mother's Day
Our display may not have been this extravagant but we still got Frizzy Hair one very awesome gift.

Wednesday

Frizzy Hair has been preparing Beard Face for his job interview next week. She bought him some new clothes and ditched his old attire. Not only did the previous stuff smell like him, it was covered in less than flattering slogans, certainly not the sort of things you want to show off at an interview. Imagine a panel faced with a shirt saying, “I’m gonna cause a shit storm,” “My balls are on fire cos I can’t barbecue, baby” and “If you see me coming at ya then it’s time you got the fuck out of my house, cos you is trespassing bitch.” Subtle.

Thursday

Beard Face was out of the house all day today. He headed out of town to meet up with his best friend and drink alcohol. Anyone reading this will be in shock. Beard Face has friends. It is remarkable. I can only assume whoever these people are that they are drunk before the old boy arrives. I’m actually wondering whether he just goes into a pub, finds the most inebriated person there, sits with them and pretends that they’re friends. They don’t realise what’s happening until the following day when they wake up to find a hairy ogre watching breakfast TV in their house. It’s scary stuff.

Friday

A day of sadness in the Brown household. Beloved fantasy author Terry Pratchett passed away yesterday. Frizzy Hair and Beard Face were really down about this loss and I shared in their sorrow. Mr Pratchett was one cool writer, one of those rare types of humans that I actually like. It will be a different world without the great man but he leaves behind a very special legacy with many dozens of truly wonderful books. I have no more words today. It is too sad to go on.

Saturday

Trying to take it easy today but somewhat difficult with Beard Face frantically cleaning the house and gearing up for not one but two interviews next week. It’s one hell of a shock that he has landed these gigs but I will wish him well if it means I don’t have to deal with him as much. I’d like to say he’s applying for positions as a makeshift inanimate object but sadly the jobs he has in mind are proper ones that normal people do.

Sunday

Mother’s Day today and what a day it was. We all chipped in to get Frizzy Hair an android. It was a bit like a Terminator in that it looked human but was really just a machine. We made it so the android looked like Beard Face but the difference here was that our alternative was considerate, intelligent and obeyed commands. Well, in theory that’s what should have happened. The problem was Buggles who had the one job of procuring batteries for the new Beard Face came back with light bulbs instead. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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