The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #25

Dog Poop Sign

The Diary of Mr KainMonday

Beard Face has been hard at work today preparing for his job interview tomorrow. He’s been pacing up and down predicting the sort of questions that might be asked. It’s clearly a long time since he has had an interview given that some of the questions he’s thought up include, “What bikini size are you, Mr Brown?” “Do you think Neil Armstrong really did walk on the moon?” “Is it the right season to be buying strawberries?” and “Do you think the size of your head will inhibit your performance in this role?” He’s screwed!

Tuesday

Well, the interview went well according to Beard Face. He’s such a liar. I took the liberty of contacting the company myself and they informed me of their shock at his arrival. They were expecting someone a little more…human. They also pointed out that for someone known as Beard Face his facial hair was far from convincing. This was the definitive proof I needed that they had indeed interviewed him. Beard Face reckons they’ll be in touch in 24 hours to confirm he has the job. I think he’s going to find that the company has mysteriously switched its operations overseas.

Dog Poop Sign
Beard Face has asked Frizzy Hair for some of these to help guide the other cats. She was too busy laughing at him to comply.

Wednesday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair have been enjoying Masterchef, so much so that the old boy has taken it upon himself to try a spot of cooking. It hasn’t been going well. When you mix up sugar and salt, tar with soy sauce and apricots with chicken, you know that the meal is going to be utterly dreadful. Thankfully it’s only Frizzy Hair that has to partake of this chemical warfare. I still get my usual biscuits. That said, the talcum powder sauce on my food earlier was rather unusual.

Thursday

Well, Beard Face didn’t get the job but it’s hardly surprising really. Most people wait patiently to hear how they got on but the old boy rang the company within minutes of leaving. When they told him there were other candidates and that he’d have to wait he rang back within five minutes. After 78 phone calls asking if he’d got the job, the beard was informed that on this occasion he had been unsuccessful. Amazing that someone so persistent with a phone should fail to get a job in a call centre.

Friday

Poor Beard Face was hot under the collar today. He was watching a drama called Closer about two couples linked by the affair between two of them. He did get flustered more than once though strangely not when Natalie Portman was in a strip club, as many hot blooded males might well have. No, Beard Face began to sweat whenever Clive Owen or Jude Law were on the screen. I’m really not sure why but if I was Frizzy Hair I’d be starting to get worried.

Saturday

Awful day for Beard Face. He insisted Frizzy Hair have a lie in which she did but that left the old boy with a bit of a problem. Bilbo headed downstairs, found Beard Face watching the news while having breakfast and exclaimed, “I’s been painting the house beardy with lots of brown shades from my bottom.” This translated as Bilbo had poo on his tail and decided to try out his best Jackson Pollack routine by smearing the unholy stuff on the walls, carpets, beds and even on Beard Face’s laptop. I would like to offer some sympathy but I’m still too busy laughing.

Sunday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair have been enjoying marathons of House starring the wonderful Hugh Laurie. I love the show too but can’t stand watching it with Beard Face. He and Frizzy Hair always try to diagnose the patients. While Frizzy Hair offers up reasonable suggestions, the old boy goes for the more outrageous. I’ve heard him say “this one was abducted by aliens,” “this one has a carrot stuck up his nose” and “this one has a combination of pneumonia and Biebertitis, an unhealthy fixation with Justin Bieber.” Thank goodness Beard Face didn’t enter the medical profession.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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