The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #26


The Diary of Mr KainMonday

Beard Face was feeling a little down today. His job interviews from last week came to nothing, largely due to the fact he showed up for both wearing nothing but his underpants and a Batman cape. Luckily, Frizzy Hair was on hand to cheer him up with offers of chocolate and a subscription to the men’s magazine I’m a Tool and I Know it. The magazine had the desired effect. The old boy has been happily reading away all afternoon and even laughing at people as pathetic as he is.


Beard Face bounced back today by securing another job interview. More admin work for the old boy so hopefully he’ll go with a shirt and tie this time. It can’t do any harm. Elsewhere in the Brown household Frizzy Hair is gearing up for the A-Z Challenge next month and it’s all about cats. I knew there was a reason that I liked Frizzy Hair so much. Hopefully the blog posts will be eloquent and if she happens to mention me, well, I suppose I’ll just about manage to handle all the praise.

This is a typical serving for Beard Face. He has 4,859 servings a day!


Beard Face is reading The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas. This is a positive step in the respect that it’s a good book but negative in the respect that every five minutes the old boy bellows, “All for one, and one for all.” It’s  memorable motto without question but when you hear it twelve times every hour it does start to grind at you. I’m sure Mr Dumas would have smiled at the thought of children running around the streets pretending to be the musketeers but a grown man with a crap beard doing it probably wouldn’t inspire the same pride.


There’s been a pleasant smell in the house the last 24 hours. No, Beard Face hasn’t moved out, which is a great shame. Instead, Frizzy Hair has been baking and she’s done a great job as well. I’d say she wouldn’t be out of place on Masterchef or The Great British Bake Off, she’s that good. Fairy cakes and a rhubarb cake were on offer and the latter in particular looked delicious. Beard Face enjoyed a slice of rhubarb so much that he closed his eyes, moaned aloud and devoured several pieces. He was so excited by this endeavour that he must have emitted something he didn’t intend because at one point he looked down at his trousers, excused himself, went to the bathroom and came back wearing a different pair of trousers. Make of that what you will.


Beard Face and Frizzy Hair watched a documentary today about sugar. Beard Face embraced the moment by eating chocolate, cake and having a fizzy drink while he did so. Frizzy Hair was too shocked by the many stats about sugar to eat anything at all. Not even when the host turned to the camera and said, “Beard Face, you is a fat, pathetic moron who needs to cut down one the sweet stuff,” did the old boy stop with his indulgence. He actually turned to Frizzy Hair and said, “All this food on TV is making me hungry. Waitress, go and get me some ice cream.” Unsurprisingly Frizzy Hair hasn’t spoken to her husband for the rest of the day but that might be down to him feeling the effects of laxative flavoured vanilla ice cream. Tasty.


Another weekend is here and tonight the clocks go forward by one hour. I spent six hours trying to explain this concept to Buggles. He said clocks can’t go forward one hour because an hour is a measurement of time and not distance. Buggles is intending to stay up late and watch as many clocks as he can to see if they do indeed move. I think I’ll stick with the rest of the household in getting some sleep and lamenting the fact I’ll be losing an hour. Life is such a bitch.


We have a visitor. Frizzy Hair’s mum has left her cat with us again! This is a scandalous breach of trust with this “other” cat getting a room to herself once again. I must do something to express my outrage at this latest slap round the face. I’ve called on the other cats to back me on this one but they’re too pre-occupied. Bilbo is seeking cuddles as usual, Razz has been practising for The Annual Wobble Bottom Fart Competition, Frodo has been asleep, while Charlie and Buggles have been plotting a daring assault on the living room tablecloth. It’s not been going well. Looks like I’ll have to voice my displeasure alone about this sudden turn of events.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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