The Bleaklisted Movies: A Matter of Life and Death

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

A Matter of Life and Death

What happens?

Guy cheats death, hooks up with some floozy, then has to appeal to stay alive and is allowed to.

Reason for bleaklisting?

Conductor 71 is lousy at his job. I’d have stoned him for his mistake which forced this nonsense on us.

What should have happened?A Matter of Life and Death

Peter Pecker is married to Ju-like-ma Pecker and all is well. Peter is a pilot but Mrs Pecker is unhappy with his pitiful wage. The problem is that she has developed an annoying addiction to making crochet hats and spends a fortune each month on the stuff. With debts mounting, Peter does the only thing he can – builds a meth lab. He has it situated on an island in the middle of an ocean somewhere I can’t remember but you have to fly there, no doubt about it. A boat might be a possibility but flying is cooler. Peter cooks crystal meth and makes a fortune for Mrs Pecker but her habit becomes increasingly worse. She builds factories and hires staff from Willy Wonka to mass produce crochet hats. Eventually Peter is taken out by some rival meth cooks who host their own TV show – Streaking Badly. Mrs Pecker soon runs out of money and tries to flee across the ocean by using a giant crochet hat as a boat but disappears beneath the waves and is never heard from again.

Working title?

A Matter of Wife and Meth.

Tagline?

Neither Heaven nor Earth would tolerate this crap, so why should you?

Who should direct?

Sergio Leone.

Who should star?

Robert Redford and Meryl Streep.

Mr B compares the stories

David Niven talking over the radio with Kim Hunter moments before he abandons his burning Lancaster bomber is one of many memorable moments from this British classic. Charlie has chosen to detract from the romance or drama and instead offer us a not very subtle alternative to Breaking Bad. The hit US show about terminally ill chemistry teacher, Walter White, who resorts to cooking crystal meth to raise funds for his family is arguably the finest show to come out of America. I can’t see Robert Redford as a meth cook, Charlie, though the fabulous Meryl Streep could probably work with the character of a crochet hat obsessed wife but only if she stops being sent proper scripts. Finally, the Spaghetti Western maestro, Sergio Leone, being associated with this abomination is the biggest insult here for me.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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