The Bleaklisted Movies: Boogie Nights

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

 

Boogie Nights

What happens?

A guy with a very large…skill…enters the porn industry and becomes something of a star. He is soon exposed to the many excesses out there, including Burt Reynolds.

Reason for bleaklisting?

Burt Reynolds. I prefered him in Evening Shade, especially when he was nude save for some strategically placed leaves.

What should have happened?Boogie Nights

Steady Aim is poor and lives with his parents. His father spends all day watching soaps, his mother all day doing the ironing, even when it doesn’t need doing. One day Steady bumps into talent scout, Jack Hornblower, who recognises in Steady a very unique ability – he can spit further than anyone in the world. Jack becomes Steady’s agent and sets him up in the Phlegm Nightclub. Steady is the star attraction and the punters take it in turns to compete against him in a whole manner of spitting contests, too many to name here. All goes well until Steady develops an addiction for sandpaper. He snorts it, he eats it, he does the tango with it and in the ensuing spiral of drugs, sex and sandpaper, he keeps forgetting to stay hydrated. Consequently, Steady starts to lose in the spitting contests because he can’t generate any saliva. It’s a roller coaster of a ride but he eventually overcomes his addiction and finds drinking a glass of water before each contest actually makes things a bit better. Who would have thought? In the final scene Steady, full of cold, sees off a major challenge from Void Gondola and wins the star prize with a well aimed mass of phlegm.

Working title?

Loogie Nights.

Tagline?

The harder the spit, the less chance it will fall.

Who should direct?

Guybrush Threepwood.

Who should star?

Dermot Mulroney (I saw him spit in a movie once), Bruno Kirby (I saw him spit in a movie once) and Emilio Estevez (I saw him spit in a movie as well).

Mr B compares the stories

Swapping Boogie for Loogie is a very simple variation, Charlie, and sadly the difference in meaning is massive. Charlie has taken Paul Thomas Anderson’s classic 1997 movie and decided the porn industry isn’t as suitable as a good old fashioned tale of some spitting in a nightclub. Charlie’s role as casting director is also a peculiar one with Dermot Mulroney and Emilio Estevez included for the simple reason their characters spat in Young Guns and Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory respectively. The same is true of the late Bruno Kirby who also engaged in a salivary projection in City Slickers though none of these examples could hardly be described as loogies. Finally, Charlie has delved into the world of fiction by having Guybrush Threepwood, a pirate from the Monkey Island games, as director. This is because Mr Threepwood wins a spitting contest in Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge but Charlie’s choice is a worrying one given that Guybrush’s trousers are partial to falling down and he’s often a bit clumsy.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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