The Bleaklisted Movies: Jaws

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Jaws (1975)

What happens?

A shark terrorises a tourist hotspot but is then killed by the local police chief when it fails to smile.

Reason for bleaklisting?

It really was a bad hat, Harry!

What should have happened?Jaws

The small town of Slam Dunkity is very peaceful until one day a woman and her dog are killed while out walking. The woman is walking the dog, not the other way round. Chief Proby is called in to investigate and while everyone suspects Michael Myers, Proby things the bodies show signs of being scratched and nuzzled to death by a giant cat. Proby continues to follow this field of investigation when more bodies start to pop up. He questions every cat in the neighbourhood but none of them have seen the elusive big kitty. A scientist, Looper, confirms that Proby is right and points to evidence at the scene of each murder – a little note saying, “I was killed by a giant cat.” Proby and Looper enlist the help of pussy hunter Skint and after a trip to a nearby strip club realise there has been an unfortunate breakdown in communication. Proby, Looper and Skint decide to stick together, having bonded over a rendition of Hound Dog, and set out to locate the giant cat. After finding large footprints all over town and large noticeboards saying, “I’m Over Here!” the trio have a final encounter with the murderous cat. Skint is killed when he puts cat food on his sandwich instead of tuna, Looper is injured by a bag of cat litter, while Proby shoots the cat in a delicate place that renders him docile and more than willing to help the police with their enquiries. The town of Slam Dunkity is peaceful once more though the public still think Proby is crazy for pinning the murders on a giant cat.

Working title?

Paws.

Tagline?

The shit scary movie based on the shit scary book that never existed.

Who should direct?

Sam Raimi.

Who should star?

Morgan Freeman, Christopher Lloyd and John Mahoney.

Mr B compares the stories

Arguably Steven Spielberg’s finest movie, Jaws remains the ultimate shark movie with many poor imitations in the 40 years that have followed. Charlie has swapped the plausible idea of a rogue killer shark (Benchley’s novel was inspired by real-life attacks) for a giant cat that somehow no one sees despite its size and the plethora of clues it leaves at the crime scenes and around town. Charlie has chosen a cat simply for the adolescent possibility of some cheap “pussy” gags and nothing more. Morgan Freeman as the Police Chief, Christopher Lloyd as a scientist and John Mahoney as a saucy old git could work, just not in this appalling version.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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