The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #27

Summer landscape with green grass, road and clouds

The Diary of Mr KainMonday

Beard Face was watching a documentary this afternoon about healthy eating. It emphasised the importance of eating lots of fruit and veg to ensure a better diet and state of living. Beard Face duly followed the advice. In the evening he tucked into his usual seventeen pizzas but also on the plate were five pieces of paper with images of fruit and vegetables on them. The old boy insisted this more than covered his obligatory five a day and that he could now look forward to a better and healthier future. Interesting.

Tuesday

Blimey it was windy last night and today as well. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, this had nothing to do with Razz and his infamous bowel movements. I was talking about Mother Nature’s bottom breaths that are much noisier and strong. Despite the impediment of this wind and the onset of rain throughout the day I chose to head out into the great unknown which is our neighbourhood. I know it well actually but it sounds more dramatic if you add the sense of mystery. Quiet in the area today though. Kitty It, the Bearded cat from no.2 was grooming himself hopelessly in the downpour, while Fetcher McFetcher, the dog that likes to fetch things, was busy fetching discarded plastic bottles for his owner. He even tried to fetch me at one point but I soon put a stop to that.

Summer landscape with green grass, road and clouds
Mother Nature in all her glory. Her one error? Allowing a creation as pointless and repulsive as Beard Face.

Wednesday

Beard Face has been busy preparing for yet another job interview tomorrow. He’s been practising using a variety of methods including yoga, Morris dancing and potato peeling. What these tasks have to do with being ready for an interview is beyond me but moments like this it is best to not question Beard Face. He may give a perfectly reasonable answer to such a question but I can’t really be bothered to converse with him not when I have more important things to do like clean my arse.

Thursday

Beard Face’s interview at the hospital was interesting from what he’s told us. Instead of sitting for the interview he called on his love of House and asked the panel to follow him down a corridor. Beard Face had a walking stick, hobbled along and proceeded to diagnose every single patient in every ward. How did he do? Not great. No matter what the ailment he continued to claim the answer was lupus. I’m not convinced that he’ll be getting a call accepting him for the post any time soon.

Friday

Beard Face has been invited to interview for teacher training. It’s horrifying, scandalous, disgraceful and that’s just three ways of describing the old boy, I haven’t even got on to the teaching part yet. He has a couple of weeks to prepare for the interview so that should be interesting. His specialist subject? It’s going to be English. That should be even more interesting.

Saturday

Not a nice day for Beard Face or Frizzy Hair. The Frizz was down with cold and has a bad back so was sent back to bed by her dimwit of a husband. Beardy was crying his eyes out this afternoon after Barnsley’s 2-0 defeat against local rivals Sheffield Utd. This left him feeling very down for the remainder of the day and he made out that his plight was far worse than poor Frizzy Hair who was sneezing and exclaiming “Oh, you f***king cold, go away!” between each outburst. Suffice to say, it was an intimidating afternoon for our neighbours.

Sunday

Beard Face is actually being awesome for a change. He’s been watching David Attenborough’s wonderful The Life of Mammals and is actually starting to learn something. Not much I should add. The beard has been grumbling about the lack of focus on himself in these documentaries. Sadly, Beard Face, David Attenborough has made many wonderful programmes but he has yet to tackle The Life of Rancid Turds. Maybe that will be the next show he works on but somehow I doubt it.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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