The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #28


The Diary of Mr KainMonday

Easter Monday and the heavy consuming of chocolate in the Brown household. We all enjoyed our individual Easter eggs except for Buggles. He spent the whole weekend watching his egg, waiting for it to hatch. Buggles couldn’t decide whether a chick would emerge from it or whether it would be a six foot figurine of Indiana Jones giving the thumbs up. Buggles’ wait went on for three days until Charlie ran out of patience and smashed the egg. Buggles didn’t move for hours, fearing the death of whatever was inside the egg. When I tried to explain the egg is hollow, he burst into tears and began eulogies in honour of hollow. A strange day.


Oh my word! Beard Face and Frizzy Hair had a huge row today. It was so loud and vicious that I’m glad the windows were closed because the entire street would have been out in force otherwise. I thought it was going to turn violent at on point but somehow the bloodshed was kept to a minimum. This was the worst argument they’ve ever had in my opinion. The reason? Beard Face got the Frizz some fresh pajamas – a white T-shirt, white bottoms and pink socks! Not going with the matching white socks sent the old girl over the edge and the beard almost through the window. Choose more carefully next time, you dimwit.

A beautiful week in the UK, ruined by Beard Face still breathing!


Beard Face has been anxiously waiting for news of his interview last week. Frizzy Hair has tried to keep him entertained with renditions of Donald Where’s Your Troosers? and Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm but it just wasn’t happening. I even tried to make him feel more upbeat by insisting that he looks slightly less like a dipshit today than on other days but, again, there was just no getting through to him. In the end we left him alone on the sofa, watching David Attenborough and picking his nose with a toothpick. A lovely image there for you.


Beard Face was in a better mood today. He did a movie quiz and discovered that he’d seen 67 of the 75 movies listed. He was very proud. Charlie and Buggles weighed in with their scores too. Charlie claimed to have seen 4,836 of the 75 movies listed, while Buggles insisted he’d seen 44 of the movies, as well as a green fairy who had an obsession with lilac circular envelopes. I’m starting to hope the beard gets a job soon because if he carries on like this much longer I really don’t know what sort of mischief he’ll be forcing on the rest of us. Whatever is next it’s bound to be disturbing.


It was another hot day in the UK and there was talk of air pollution as well. At first I assumed this might be down to that curry that Razz had stolen off Frizzy Hair but apparently this pollution was nationwide. Not even Razz is capable of chemical warfare of such a magnitude as that! Elsewhere Beard Face has been up to his usual bizarre tricks. He was wearing his dressing gown for most of the day today, failing to notice it was actually Frizzy Hair’s pink dressing gown, and he even answered the door in it when we had a delivery. The chap with the parcel handled the situation well by saying, “Delivery for you, madame.” How we laughed!


Beard Face and Frizzy Hair have been celebrating five years of marriage. That’s quite an extraordinary statement when you think about it and a scary one too. Imagine being married to that git for five years. It’s enough to give anyone nightmares and I have had my fair share this week. Strangely enough the dreams involved crowds of people wearing Beard Face masks and marching to the tune of Heigh Ho from Snow white and the Seven Dwarves. I’m not sure what such dreams say about me or indeed my mind but it can’t be good.


Beard Face has been watching Long Way Round where Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman hop on their motorbikes and drive around the world from London to New York. It’s a fascinating documentary and watching it gives me ideas. It may take a while but I wish to procure a motorbike for Beard Face as well as a map. Once I have acquired these items I will insist he bikes around the world from Yorkshire to Yorkshire via Alaska, New Zealand, Mexico, Antarctica, Indonesia, Russia, London, South Africa, Australia, Brazil, Greece, Tasmania, Costa Rica, Germany, China, Argentina and finally New York before flying home. Hopefully that route will take him a day or two!

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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