The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #30

B-Lines and Felines - The Diary of Mr Kain

The Diary of Mr KainMonday 

Strange day today. Frizzy Hair disappeared in the evening and when we ventured to ask where she was, Beard Face explained that she’d gone to study at college. This took most of us by surprise, especially Buggles who thought the idea of the Frizz doing artwork was wonderful! Slight confusion there but when is it not where Buggles is concerned? I wasn’t able to discover what Frizzy Hair is studying weekly now but I hope it’s advice on how to get rid of her idiotic husband and replace him with someone cool like Kevin Spacey or Stephen Fry. They’re a lot older than the Frizz but it would be awesome to have them around.


Still early in the week but it already feels like it’s going by mighty quick. I had the luxury of blue skies and sunshine today so took full advantage. I enlisted the help of Buggles and Bilbo who were placed on a trampoline sufficient enough to allow them to jump alternately and see over our garden fence. It was their job to keep a lookout while I made my way through the gardens in search of something to hunt. I had my sights set on a robin and was about to pounce when Buggles bellowed, “Look out birdy! He’s behind you!” Is it against the ethical code of the feline to hunt and kill another cat? I really must check.

I should have been outside chasing these, well, more realistic looking types of these anyway.


Beard Face has yet to start his new job but he’s been busy reading up on what to expect. He sat me down today and talked of many remarkable things like pole vaulting, window cleaning, espionage and selling ice cream to elderly residents. I’m not sure what this has to do with working in education but what do I know? Elsewhere Frizzy Hair has been hard at work on a new book, “How to Tolerate a Moronic Husband,” and it’s going very well. The introduction has so far stretched to 350 pages. The old girl has a lot to get off her chest it seems.


Beard Face has continued his viewing of David Attenborough’s The Life of Birds today. I found myself watching it with him and was most intrigued about the narrative on cuckoos. The devious sods lay an egg in the nest of another bird and when it hatches the baby cuckoo pushes the others out of the nest. How evil is that? As fascinating as this was it did leave me feeling sorry that humans don’t have nests and lay eggs. Had that been the case then perhaps a cuckoo type human could have planted an egg in the nest where Beard Face was and removed it from this world very early on. That may sound a tad harsh given that the guy feeds me and everything but I don’t care. If you had to live with the moron you’d feel the same.


The hot weather has gone to Beard Face’s head. During a shopping trip yesterday he insisted on having Frizzy Hair buy him some shorts. If that wasn’t bad enough he’s now taken to wearing the offensive item not just around the house but outside as well. Today he ventured into town wearing shorts and showing off pale white legs with a small amount of hair on them. Puberty is something that the beard found challenging. In fact, masculinity in general is something that he’s found challenging throughout his life. Amazingly, there have been no reports of crashed cars, people fainting or even hallucinations brought on by the sight of my idiotic owner in his shorts. I’ll check local news later just to be sure though.


It was the Masterchef final last night and, my word, it was exciting! The eventual winner was the guy from The Matrix who wears sunglasses and says, “Mr Anderson.” It wasn’t really but it looked just like him so it might as well have been him, such is the logic I choose to abide by. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were torn between Hugo Weaving and the other finalist that looked like Dr Crippen. It was an unfortunate comparison but that’s life. I don’t remember much about the other candidate because Beard Face grumbled whenever she was on and Frizzy Hair continually bellowed, “She’d best not win. You can sleep in the spare room if she wins, arsehole.” I’m assuming she was talking to Beard Face but it could have been Razz.


Beard Face and Frizzy Hair spent the day seeing family so I was able to dwell on important matters such as quantum physics, the stock market and the IQ of David Beckham. I do enjoy Beard Face not being here but the downside is I’m unable to go out and I have to contend with the other cats in the house which is never easy. Razz spends the day picking his nose and farting, while Charlie and Buggles continued their painstaking plans to invade a pizza takeaway down the road in Kendray. Bilbo and Frodo slept most of the day which was a relief though talking during their naps was quite unnerving, especially when Bilbo said, “Frizzy Hair…soft as a pink jumper.”

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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