The Bleaklisted Movies: Aladdin

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

 

Aladdin

What happens?

Some conniving guy uses a ruffian to get hold of a magic lamp. Ruffian, who is in love with a princess, uses the lamp to better himself and maybe win the hand of his beloved. There’s some fighting, a genie and even a magic carpet. All of this happens without anyone smoking some happy stuff either.

Reason for bleaklisting?

The lack of a traffic control system for magic carpets. Someone could get hurt.

What should have happened?Aladdin

Some evil guy known as Jam Jar is hoping to usurp the King of At the Bar and seeks a magical item known as Jim. Jam Jar enlists the help of a local lad known as Kenneth who is so poor he wears short trousers and a pink cardigan. Kenneth finds Jim in the Cave of Bonkers and discovers it is actually a bottle of Jim Beam from which the spirit of the Lizard King – a.k.a. Jim Morrison – emerges. Jim offers Kenneth three wishes but says he is exempt from asking for alcohol, drugs, women or a rendition of Light My Fire. Kenneth and Jim buddy up to take on Jam Jar. There’s an epic battle in the desert involving go-karts, Kenneth pursues the lovely princess, Janet, who turns out to be a drag queen, and ultimately Jam Jar is defeated when Jim provides a moving rendition of Whiskey Bar. In the tearful conclusion Kenneth offers to release Jim from the Jim Beam bottle but he politely declines, content with his memory as a rock god and poet. Only after this emotional parting of ways does Kenneth realise he didn’t use any of his wishes, not even to get some proper trousers. Idiot.

Working title?

A Lad in Short Trousers.

Tagline?

The story of one boy, one pair of short trousers and a genie in a Jim Beam bottle.

Who should direct?

Hayao Miyazaki.

Who should star?

Or provide the voices in this case. Ewan McGregor, Val Kilmer, John C. McGinley and Thora Birch.

Mr B compares the stories

I never would have expected anyone to link Aladdin to Jim Morrison but what do I know? In the world of Charlie anything goes and it’s seldom pretty. While The Doors’ legendary frontman is always a welcome addition to everyday conversation, I am a tad concerned about him being demeaned here, as a replacement for a genie no less. Anime legend, Hayao Miyazaki, could make an Aladdin movie without breaking sweat but as the maestro has deservedly retired I would urge you to stick with Disney’s 1992 version, especially for the fantastic voice work of the late great Robin Williams.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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