The Bleaklisted Movies: It’s a Wonderful Life

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

 

It’s A Wonderful Life

What happens?

Unhappy guy wants to die but an angel shows him what the town would have been like without him. That was nice of him.

Reason for bleaklisting?

George should grow a pair and man up.

What should have happened?It's a Wonderful Life

Gorge is a successful businessman who sees his fortunes plummet when he buys shares in a knife company and sees the stock plummet overnight. Customers find knives disagreeable because all they do is cut things in two whereas forks and spoons have many functions, too many if you’re a bit strange. Gorge contemplates suicide by jumping off a bridge but is visited by a man in green pajamas with purple moon motif who goes by the name of Florence. Florence explains that Gorge must live and that he will show him all the things that happens to the town of Benjie’s Balls if Gorge doesn’t exist. It’s all good actually especially for Gorge’s parents, Fjord and Estuary. Everyone is happy, the town is called Spring Water, businesses thrive but in this reality Florence wears a normal set of pajamas and nothing extravagant. Gorge decides that this won’t do. He chooses to live, Florence gets to wear even more bizarre sets of pajamas with neon lights on his bed socks, while Gorge’s fortunes change. He single-handedly turns the knife industry around by explaining that knives can stab things, spread things, get your bread out of the toaster (switch off at the mains first!) and even be thrown at people when you’re wearing a blindfold. Now a rich man, Gorge decides Benjie’s Balls will now be renamed Ginger’s Lunchbox. This whole charade has been to ensure that Florence can still wear strange pajamas but Gorge doesn’t care.

Working title?

It’s a Wonderful Knife.

Tagline?

The most hated Christmas movie of all time, even more than Jingle All The Way.

Who should direct?

Ron Howard.

Who should star?

Al Pacino and Jar Jar Binks.

Mr B compares the stories

Frank Capra’s cherished classic is approaching its 70th anniversary and in all that time I am sure it has never faced anything so degrading as Charlie’s reimagining. A businessman who loses a fortune due to failing shares in a knife company, people too stupid to realise knives have multiple functions and some random guy named Florence with a pajama fixation. I take in Charlie’s ideas and look for solace, any message of hope but there is nothing, only this profanity making my eyes hurt. Al Pacino is one of the greatest actors Hollywood has ever seen but I couldn’t see him rescuing this Christmas turkey and throwing Jar Jar Binks in there, with brightly coloured pajamas and glow in the dark socks, please just put me out of my misery now. If Charlie had ended the movie with Jar Jar Binks being gunned down by Rambo then I might have been sold but not this, please not this.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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