The Bleaklisted Movies: The Terminator

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

The Terminator

What happens?

Robot travels back in time to kill the mother of a resistance leader before he can be born. He says “I’ll be back” in a strange accent then fluffs the mission. Idiot.

Reason for bleaklisting?

Why send one robot back? Why not make it an elite squad of 7,000 just to make sure you get the job done?

What should have happened?The Terminator

Sarah Boner is having a night out when a mysterious man named Giles appears and tells her she’s in danger. Apparently a giant mouth that belches a lot has been sent from the future to kill her. The reason? Because in the future she gets a job for some company – Hammond Organ Inc. – which is a cover for the production of robots that look like giant mouths. Unfortunately, Sarah is crap at typing and accidentally instigates the production of 300,000 new robots that look like buttocks rather than mouths. Consequently, the robots lose the war because of this mishap so they have travelled back in time to kill Sarah and ensure the proper production line goes ahead. The evil robot shaped like a mouth tracks down Sarah and Giles but is ultimately killed when they manage to stitch it shut and it explodes after failing to prevent a belch. Giles dies after being struck by a giant tooth and Sarah escapes to fulfil the prophecy at Hammond Organ Inc.

Working title?

The Burpinator.

Tagline?

Your future is in his mouth.

Who should direct?

Terry Gilliam.

Who should star?

Ray Winstone, Olivia Newton-John and Jason Statham.

Mr B compares the stories

James Cameron’s classic from the eighties would only be bettered by its sequel where Arnie is a good Terminator rather than a bad one. The original Terminator is genuinely terrifying with Arnie conveying its robotic nature especially well. Charlie has opted for robot mouths that burp as his key villains in this sci-fi saga that will never be unless substantial bribes are made or plentiful drugs are taken in Hollywood. Ray Winstone and Jason Statham are pretty tough guys but I’m not sure about Olivia Newton-John in this one. Xanadu maybe but The Burpinator? No.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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