The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #32

Sunset on Beach

The Diary of Mr Kain

Bank Holiday Monday in the UK. Reasons to celebrate? It’s a day off. That means little to a cat such as myself. I do next to nothing all day but at least on a day like this no one can really complain. Yes, you can call me lazy, self-centred and obsessed with being out in the garden but such observations don’t really impact on me. I’d have to give a shit about what you thought first. The only opinions I value are Frizzy Hair’s and Doughnut Danny over on Fabrication Avenue. He’s what I call “a righteous dude.”


Stayed up late with Beard Face watching the snooker. Great final it was too. The old bald guy beat the younger guy 18-15 in the end. It was gripping stuff. I did have to explain to Beard Face a few aspects of the game such as what the cue was for, why there were so many balls and why they were different colours but other than those small quibbles he was absolutely fine. Further confusion came with the issuing of prize money. The winner collected a cheque for £300,000 which sounded impressive to me but not to the beard. He simply huffed and said the average person couldn’t clean their car for that amount of money. Given that Beard Face doesn’t drive or own a car I’ll just ignore him here! It’s either that or despair at the extortionate rates at car washes these days.

Sunset on Beach
The sun is setting on the football season and Beard Face is preparing for many weeks of suffering without it. Happy days!


Beard Face was watching a documentary today about the decline of games company Atari back in the 1980s. They made a dreadful adaptation of Steven Spielberg’s E.T. and it didn’t go down well with the fans. It was so bad that the games were buried in a landfill and remained undiscovered for decades. Of course, this got me thinking about Beard Face and how awesome it would be if he was put in a landfill, covered in concrete and wasn’t found for many years. In fact, I’d like to be specific here and insist that he only be found long after I have left this world and am dining in Valhalla with Frizzy Hair.


It was the General Election today and both Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were out early to vote at the local polling station. Beard Face somehow managed to cast his vote without issue though it was a close thing. He wasn’t sure whether to eat the ballot paper, use it when he next went to the toilet or fold it into a little aeroplane. Frizzy Hair remained composed throughout and immediately denied all knowledge of Beard Face upon arrival at the polling station. Despite the beard’s pleas and declarations of love, the frizz was happy to plead ignorance and even dismissed her incompetent husband with a “talk to the hand” gesture at one point. Fabulous stuff.


The day after the General Election and Charlie was on the warpath. Despite going without sleep so he could add his name to all the ballot papers, Charlie failed to get a single vote. He sat watching the news this morning with fiery red eyes, purple smoke rising from his ears and froth coming out of his mouth. How could this have all gone so wrong for him? It later turned out that he’d entrusted Buggles with amending the ballot papers. Not the brightest of bulbs, Buggles had tampered with ballet papers instead which were in relation to the General Ballet Selection across the nation. Charlie won a 36% share of the vote from the ballet enthusiasts. Buggles’ hope this would please the feline psychopath were unsurprisingly wrong.


Not to be deterred by his failure to win a seat at the General Election, Charlie was on the phone for most of the day trying to advise David Cameron and the Conservatives on how to run the country. Such suggestions included making cat litter orange and green, and ensuring cat food and biscuits are made free of charge. Downing Street were more open to these suggestions than they were to Charlie’s plans of funding a feline army equipped with tuna bazookas and machine guns that double up as scratching posts during peace time. I’m quite happy with the result of the election so long as Mr Cameron can separate reality from the ramblings of a crazed kitty.


Beard Face is feeling down again. Barnsley FC’s season ended last weekend and he’s already missing football. There’s no World Cup or European Championship this summer either so times are tough for this certified dimwit. Frizzy Hair suggested the beard take up a new sport like golf, tennis or even getting a spine and pulling yourself together. It was all to no avail though. The beard has been sitting in the corner for days now longing August when he can once again watch men in shorts running around a pitch and fighting over a ball. How sad.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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