The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #34


The Diary of Mr KainMonday

Tough old start to the week with Beard Face and Frizzy Hair once again arguing. This time their debate concerned the title of a Charles Dickens novel – A Tale of Two Cities. Frizzy insisted on the correct title but Beard Face was simply having none of it. He furiously hit back by insisting Charles Dickens was the author of the celebrated novel – A Tale of Two Shitties. This one was a no brainer really but beardy would not back down on this one for at least seven hours and he only relented when the frizz threatened to lock away his supply of sausage rolls.


Skipped breakfast and headed straight outside this morning to enjoy the weather. Blue skies and sunshine when I set out. During the course of the day I was met with rain, sun, wind, hailstone, snow, tornadoes and an unfortunate encounter with an old chap named Giles. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were nowhere to be seen so I ended up stuck outside for the entire morning. I think a rendition of Right Said Fred would be apt now: “Poor pussy, pussy cat.”

Charlie’s jumper wasn’t as colourful as these offerings and it looked much more embarrassing too.


Feeling under the weather today and that means the OTT treatment from Beard Face and Frizzy Hair. Whenever one of the cats is ill they wrap them in cotton wool and proceed to feed us countless treats, tins of tuna and even half a packet of Monster Munch. That may sound like a pleasant day and it is, but there follows that other thing they insist on doing. That thing where Beard Face cuddles you and whispers to you as if you’re a little baby, all “coo-ee” and “who’s a sick boy?” remarks. It’s good for inducing nausea, no question, but still not worth the weeks of therapy that follow.


Frizzy Hair has been working on some graphics for a big promotional event coming up. She’s inviting people to pick a location from a book – a sort of world tour if you will. For once, Beard Face suggested something authentic. I went for something sophisticated i.e. Johannesburg from Alan Paton’s Cry, the Beloved Country; Razz went for London citing anything with Jack the Ripper in; Frodo went musical with Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity, also in London; and Charlie opted for H.G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds, also UK based. My siblings lack of imagination was addressed by Buggles and Bilbo. Bilbo opted for Frizzy Hair’s warm embrace as his location while Buggles was torn between Narnia, Middle Earth and Discworld. Nice one, idiots!


Frizzy Hair is stepping up (see what I did there!) her exercise regime and has invested in a pedometer to track her progress throughout the day. She says the average healthy amount of walking is 10,000 steps though Charlie would insist that 500,000 steps is the absolute minimum for anyone that wishes to join his feline army. I approve of the frizz keeping fit and healthy, means we have her around for a good long while, which suits me just fine. I had the sudden idea of getting a type of pedometer to measure the amount of thoughts Beard Face has each day. Well, he’s been hooked up to the device for the last three hours and the thought count is at 0.00000485. Not really sure what that means and to be honest I don’t want to know.


It’s Eurovision tonight and the whole family will be gathered around to see how the UK does. If previous years are anything to go by we’re not going to get anywhere but it’s good to turn up and try, right? Have the UK come close to winning this competition since the 1960s, 1970s or 1980s? Interestingly we have Australia taking part this year which is something of a surprise but even more alarming is the presence of The Kitties Republic of Charlie Killerific aka KROCK. Yes, our very own Charlie is taking part and his rendition of Smack My Bitch Up With a Red Herring and Shower Her With Ectoplasm is bound to turn a few heads at Eurovision…and probably one or two stomachs as well.


Charlie was still reeling from his failure to win any points at Eurovision last night. Add to that the small matter of Beard Face and Frizzy hair making him wear a jumper and you can see that it wasn’t the best of days for the little dictator. Charlie has declared war on Sweden for winning Eurovision, war on jumpers for being humiliating and assured me that Beard Face will be minus a nose, ear and shoe by the end of the night. What he has in mind I’m not too sure at this stage but it sounds a little bloody.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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