The Bleaklisted Movies: Apocalypse Now!

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Apocalypse Now!

What happens?

Martin Sheen is sent up a river in Vietnam to assassinate Marlon Brando who has gone a bit mad. This might be out of grief for his son, Sonny, or could be to do with those shenanigans in Last Mango in Paris.

Reason for bleaklisting?

Not enough explosions and bloodshed for me and the scene in Redux with that French family, what was all that about? How did they go from Vietnam to France and then back to Vietnam? Where was the time machine? I also don’t like “!” in the title. Why is it there? What’s its purpose? What’s its bank account number? What’s the colour of its underwear?

What should have happened?Apocalypse Now!

Captain Phil Hard is contacted by headquarters for a special mission. They want him to head deep into enemy territory, take a boat up a river (they don’t say which one because they’re mean), and then find Colonel Curtis, a shabby cow who has gone a bit doolally and started using her milk to make fancy ice creams in a series of phallic shapes. Such actions are inexcusable so Phil Hard is told to target Colonel Curtis and milk her. One guy, that looks like Harrison Ford, then says, “Milk with extreme prejudice, but if you can just milk her that would be fine as well. No worries.” Phil Hard heads up the river and has the Beach Boys with him for company who surf and get around, while lamenting the good vibrations of the rocky waters and occasionally saying god only knows how we’ll survive this one. Phil Hard finds Colonel Curtis, they chat about the weather, dairy farms and the peculiar taste of almond milk, before Phil Hard milks Curtis in an epic scene with Beethoven’s Knife playing in the background. Phil Hard then leaves with the chilling words of Colonel Curtis ringing in his ears, “The milkshake! The milkshake!”

Working title?

Apocalypse Cow

Tagline?

War is cowbell.

Who should direct?

David Lean.

Who should star?

Clive Owen, Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen (to wear the outfit for Colonel Curtis), and Sigourney Weaver (for the voice.)

Mr B compares the stories

It’s moments like this where I consider finding religion. Charlie’s alternative to Apocalypse Now! is both surprising and extraordinary. Coppola’s part adaptation of Joseph Conrad’s The Heart of Darkness into a Vietnam War movie is one of the best of its kind. Why Charlie feels the need to swap the violence for the covert operation of finding and milking a manic cow is a question probably best left unanswered. Charlie’s review also contains numerous errors such as that mango in Paris that Marlon Brando is supposed to have been associated with. I have yet to see that particular version and don’t think I will be unless I’ve had therapy first.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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