The Bleaklisted Movies: Planet of the Apes

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Planet of the Apes

What happens?

Some astronauts reach a new planet and find it’s ruled by apes. There’s a bit of drama, some cheesy acting and then Charlton Heston loses it on a beach when he steps on a sharp rock.

Reason for bleaklisting?

I really felt bad for the broad that snuffed it before the movie had even got going.

What should have happened?Planet of the Apes

Three astronauts – Vader, Lando and Dagobah – reach a distant planet and find that humans have been enslaved by giant grapes. These grapes have eyes, mouths, noses, arms and – get this – legs. We’re talking proper crazy shit here but there they are. Dagobah is killed when he trips over a melon, Lando is taken out of action by a banana used as a boomerang, while Vader is taken captive. He befriends two grapes – Vera and Cornetto – who start to wonder about the connection between grapes and humans. Dr Sally tries to put a spanner in the works but Vader is able to uncover evidence that grapes are descended from humans, kind of. Apparently, their origin goes back to a man named Fletcher who got drunk, fancied some outdoor amorous activity and mistook a grapevine for his wife. Easy mistake to make. In an epic encounter Vader discovers that the planet he’s on used to be the Death Star and that Fletcher was once a Storm Trooper. Unable to cope with these revelations he sinks to his knees and bellows, “You maniac! You mistook Sheryl for a grapevine! Damn you all to Hoth.”

Working title?

Planet of the Grapes.

Tagline?

Somewhere in the Universe, there must be something juicier than man.

Who should direct?

Stanley Kubrick.

Who should star?

Steve Mcqueen, Green Grape, Red Grape, Black Grape, Unusually Coloured Grape and Glow in the Dark Grape.

Mr B compares the stories

I can only think that Charlie came up with the idea for this piece of crap watching Star Wars while tucking into a fruit salad. Swapping apes for grapes is one hell of a reach, while the unnecessary references to Star Wars diminish this nonsense even further. Kubrick would have brought talent to this movie but it wouldn’t have been a blemish on his CV, it would have been a stick of dynamite. I’d go so far as to say that even The Phantom Menace is better than this…just.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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