Planet of the Apes
Some astronauts reach a new planet and find it’s ruled by apes. There’s a bit of drama, some cheesy acting and then Charlton Heston loses it on a beach when he steps on a sharp rock.
Reason for bleaklisting?
I really felt bad for the broad that snuffed it before the movie had even got going.
Three astronauts – Vader, Lando and Dagobah – reach a distant planet and find that humans have been enslaved by giant grapes. These grapes have eyes, mouths, noses, arms and – get this – legs. We’re talking proper crazy shit here but there they are. Dagobah is killed when he trips over a melon, Lando is taken out of action by a banana used as a boomerang, while Vader is taken captive. He befriends two grapes – Vera and Cornetto – who start to wonder about the connection between grapes and humans. Dr Sally tries to put a spanner in the works but Vader is able to uncover evidence that grapes are descended from humans, kind of. Apparently, their origin goes back to a man named Fletcher who got drunk, fancied some outdoor amorous activity and mistook a grapevine for his wife. Easy mistake to make. In an epic encounter Vader discovers that the planet he’s on used to be the Death Star and that Fletcher was once a Storm Trooper. Unable to cope with these revelations he sinks to his knees and bellows, “You maniac! You mistook Sheryl for a grapevine! Damn you all to Hoth.”
Planet of the Grapes.
Somewhere in the Universe, there must be something juicier than man.
Who should direct?
Who should star?
Steve Mcqueen, Green Grape, Red Grape, Black Grape, Unusually Coloured Grape and Glow in the Dark Grape.
Mr B compares the stories
I can only think that Charlie came up with the idea for this piece of crap watching Star Wars while tucking into a fruit salad. Swapping apes for grapes is one hell of a reach, while the unnecessary references to Star Wars diminish this nonsense even further. Kubrick would have brought talent to this movie but it wouldn’t have been a blemish on his CV, it would have been a stick of dynamite. I’d go so far as to say that even The Phantom Menace is better than this…just.
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