The Bleaklisted Movies: Rear Window

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Rear Window

What happens?

A peeping Tom in a wheelchair suspects someone living across from him has been murdered. Nosy sod.

Reason for bleaklisting?

The main dude should have been armed with a sniper rifle and taken shots at his neighbours just for fun.

What should have happened?Rear Window

Stef is a lawyer that trips over a traffic cone, breaks her leg and is left in a wheelchair for a bit. She doesn’t actually need the wheelchair but is crafty, being a lawyer, so plays the system and hangs around at home. She watches the neighbours from her window, a cigarette between her teeth and a sniper rifle in her hands, just for fun. One night she witnesses a strange incident at the back door of the Conqueror family. William is seen arguing with his wife, Mable, before they go inside and later on William appears, walking very funny and very slowly. Stef comes to the conclusion that William has killed Mable and is systematically taking both the murder weapon and indeed his wife piece by piece out of the house. Rather than use a bag or some other subtle device, Stef is convinced William is stashing things up his bottom which explains why he’s walking a bit funny. After calling the police it turns out that Mable is fine, William has been having problems with haemorrhoids and Stef is arrested and charged with wasting police time though no mention is made of that sniper rifle. Weird.

Working title?

Rear Entrance.

Tagline?

A movie of euphemistic nonsense.

Who should direct?

M. Night Shyamalan.

Who should star?

Hilary Swank, John Malkovich and Doris Day.

Mr B compares the stories

Another Hitchcock thriller gets a dressing down from this year’s contender for most demented feline. Rear Window has James Stewart doing a spot of neighbourhood watch and believing there to be murder in the area. It’s just the start of another compelling Hitchcock classic. Charlie has decided that a lawyer, in a wheelchair, and armed with a sniper rifle of all things will make for better entertainment. It’s not a role that someone of Hilary Swank’s talent would be intimidated by and Malkovich is often reliable, but why has poor Doris Day been assigned to this moronic movie? As for the title, well, euphemism or not, it is dreadful.

 

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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