The Bleaklisted Movies: Big

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Big

What happens?

Boy wishes to be bigger. Wakes up the next day and is Tom Hanks. He has various adventures, an uncomfortable relationship with a woman and then is a boy again.

Reason for bleaklisting?

The boy looks nothing like Tom Hanks, apart from the same colour hair, and the fact they are both male, and all the other biological attributes that human men have.

What should have happened?Big

Posh Basking in the Sun is living it up in Miami where it’s really hot and the crime rate is down thanks to Dexter Morgan cleaning up the streets and the Golden Girls making us laugh. When Posh has to go on holiday with his mum to Alaska he finds it’s a bit cold and having a shaved head makes life very uncomfortable. He doesn’t have the foresight to wear a woolly hat because he’s Posh Basking in the Sun and such trains of thought are beyond him. Posh decides he needs long hair so finds a Mordor Speaks Machine in the middle of nowhere and wishes he had hair. He wakes up the following day to find he has long blond hair, akin to Legolas in The Lord of the Rings. It’s not real hair, I might add, but it looks great, all flowing and shiny like in those adverts you humans find so agreeable. Posh suddenly gets modelling contracts and films some of those adverts for hair products. He even has a relationship with an older woman, Suss N’ See, who mistakes him for Orlando Bloom, but when it’s time to return to Miami, Posh realises he wants to go back to having no hair again. He makes a wish with the Mordor Speaks Machine and his hair falls out as he walks away from Suss. Only later does he realise he could have just removed the hairpiece and wished for something else but that’s how it goes.

Working title?

Wig.

Tagline?

Bald today, hair tomorrow.

Who should direct?

Peter Jackson.

Who should star?

Macaulay Culkin (just reverse his age a bit, well, a lot) and Liv Tyler (just make her less infatuated with Aragorn and more into Legolas).

Mr B compares the stories

The 1988 comedy Big is one of the eighties classics with a fabulous turn from Tom Hanks. It has a really great concept of the kid who wants to be taller and ends up making a wish that turns him into a thirty something man instead. Charlie’s vision is of someone with little hair wanting hair and ending up with Legolas’ locks. The choice of Macaulay Culkin to star in this movie is an intriguing one especially as Charlie believes reversing one’s age is all part and parcel of the movie business. I don’t deny a lot can be done with special effects but making someone younger in real life, I’m not so sure. If you haven’t seen Big it is definitely worth checking out. If you are interested in seeing Wig, please help yourself or buy a Legolas wig instead. It will be a lot more fun.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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