The Bleaklisted Movies: Chinatown

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Chinatown

What happens?

A private investigator is hired to watch an adulterous husband but when the guy is found murdered all kinds of weird stuff starts to happen and Bonnie shows up at one point but without Clyde.

Reason for bleaklisting?

Where’s Clyde? And why so long to find Chinatown?

What should have happened?Chinatown

D.J. Gutters is a private investigator and is hired by a broad named Elf Monkey to investigate her husband who she believes is eating doughnuts on the sly. When Gutters confirms this, Elf Monkey’s husband later shows up dead, encased in a giant doughnut on the edge of Charlietown. Gutters investigates the town where a trio of women known as the Trio stand on street corners singing, “What’s going down in Charlietown, yeah, yeah, yeah, custard and sellotape bonbons.” Gutters’ wanderings help him uncover some of the mystery and it turns out that not only did Elf Monkey kill her husband but that she’s both the sister, father, mother, daughter and brother of the town’s head – a cool kitty known as Charlie, hence Charlietown. How Elf Monkey is related to Charlie in such a way isn’t really explained and it’s most likely that the audience would never question such an outlandish and improbable plot development. Gutters kills Elf Monkey by accident when he uncorks a bottle of champagne and the top blasts up her nose and out of her ear. He then calls in the police to arrest Charlie for some minor misdemeanour involving fraud and tax evasion but no can do because as Gutters is led away he’s told, “Accept it, Gutterboy, this is Charlie’s Town.”

Working title?

Charlietown.

Tagline?

Welcome to Charlietown.

Who should direct?

David Fincher.

Who should star?

Gabriel Byrne, Barbra Streisand and me.

Mr B compares the stories

Roman Polanski’s 1974 thriller stars a brilliant Jack Nicholson as the private investigator, Gittes, who starts simply enough investigating an adulterous husband but soon gets caught in a web of lies, deceit and even murder. Faye Dunaway is there, not as Bonnie, and hence that’s why Clyde isn’t around, Charlie. Instead of Polanski’s well-crafted movie we have yet another example of Charlie feeding the beast that is his inflated ego by not only naming a town after himself but starring in the movie as well. Fincher could probably rescue this appalling storyline and give it some substance but I would fear for Byrne and Streisand in this one.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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