The Bleaklisted Movies: Dirty Dancing

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Dirty Dancing

What happens?

Girl falls for guy that dances. They both dance. A lot. That’s it.

Reason for bleaklisting?

What’s so dirty about the dancing here? Chainsawing a rival’s leg off during a dance, now that’s dirty.

What should have happened?Dirty Dancing

Janice Delouser heads for a Medieval holiday camp with her family for the summer and is soon a bit bored. Things take a turn for the better when she falls for Phoney Castle, a guy that is the star knight in the re-enactment events that the camp hosts. Janice decides to impress Phoney by having a go at being a knight herself and she does rather well. Not being sexist, but Janice isn’t as strong as some of the other knights but she has something they don’t. A brain. Whenever she gets involved in the lancing competitions, Janice simply ducks, stabs her rival’s horse and delights as they and said steed take a tumble. Before anyone complains, the horses are okay because the tips of the lances are not sharp, health and safety and all that. Janice manages to defeat Phoney in a contest and as he’s in a heap in the mud they fall in love and spend the rest of their days humiliating other poor souls that dare to take part in the contests. And, before you ask, no one is put in the corner here.

Working title?

Dirty Lancing.

Tagline?

Have the joust of your life.

Who should direct?

George Lucas.

Who should star?

Holly Hunter and Robert Duvall.

Mr B compares the stories

The much-loved Dirty Dancing is given a Medieval makeover here with Charlie offering us his passion for jousting rather than dancing. An interesting alternative and I do like the idea of a woman besting the other knights with her intelligence but this is still a pretty cheesy and lame movie idea. George Lucas on board as director would mean CGI horses no doubt and there’s bound to be a scene where someone swaps a joust for a lightsaber or uses the Force. That bit would be awesome!

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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