The Bleaklisted Movies: Gone with the Wind

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Gone with the Wind

What happens?

Some rich trollop is in love with one guy but can’t be with him so marries some other guy instead. After numerous tragedies her husband tells her to piss off, in a politer way than I would.

Reason for bleaklisting?

Frankly, my dear, I thought it was crap.

What should have happened?Gone with the Wind

Charlotte O’Bloody Hell is in love with Jeremy, who is a fireman who often poses with his shirt off and leaves many women (and men) drooling. Jeremy doesn’t feel the same and marries Charlotte’s friend Nicky just to be a bit annoying and because she’s a fan of fire extinguishers. Charlotte is wooed by the head of the fire station – Jet Scuttler – who drinks too much but is a renowned lover. The problem is that he and Charlotte seem to have a bit of trouble getting it on. These things happen. Most of the time it doesn’t work out but over time Jet realises that Charlotte is most amorous on breezy days. This improves their sex life, they have a daughter named Lonnie O’Bloody Hell Scuttler, who later dies in school from exhaustion after writing her full name 100 times on the blackboard. Jet realises that Charlotte is in love with Jeremy when he watches a YouTube video of Charlotte talking about her reading of The Tempest but instead confessing her feelings instead. Jeremy rejects Charlotte for the last time when she fails to tell him the difference between the various types of fire extinguishers. Charlotte tries to patch things up with Jet but he turns to her and says, “Listen bitch, it would be cheaper for me to get a hooker so, on your bike.” Charlotte vows to win back Jet and, failing that, give Internet dating a try.

Working title?

Moan with the Mind.

Tagline?

The lamest romance of all time.

Who should direct?

Limahl.

Who should star?

Jennifer Garner, Samuel L. Jackson, James Caan and Emma Thompson.

Mr B compares the stories

One of Hollywood’s most loved movies, Gone with the Wind, is unrecognisable in this alternative directed by 80s pop star Limahl and swapping Clark Gable for Samuel L. Jackson. While I admire Charlie’s ambition with what looks like a great cast I’m just worried a distinct lack of plot and purpose will just undermine any hopes this nonsense has of getting the green light.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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