The Bleaklisted Movies: You Only Live Twice

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

You Only Live Twice

What happens?

James Bond goes to Japan to investigate a hijacked American satellite, there’s some ninjas and stuff, and then Bond saves the world…again.

Reason for bleaklisting?

Bond keeps changing in these movies. He sometimes looks older, he sometimes looks younger, his accents change and even his face. What’s that all about?

What should have happened?You Only Live Twice

James Bondage is sent to investigate the mysterious disappearance of some rodent food from a pet shop. Humans are suspected of the theft by everyone except Bondage. He decides to use his intelligence and investigates rabbits instead because they’re usually the culprits when it comes to robbery. Assisted by the gorgeous Licky Dicky, Bondage discovers that he’s been wrong the whole time. The real villain of this piece is actually a human named Cartwheels Carly. Bondage is staggered by this revelation and the knowledge that animals just don’t really have the physical and mental capacity to pull off pet shop heists. Having wasted millions on some pointless investigations (most of it going on an Alfa Romeo that simultaneously flies, swims and can be driven on land), Bondage has his licence to kill revoked and the secret service just dials 999 to solve this mystery. They do so in less than 24 hours and for a modest fee.

Working title?

You Only Love Stealing From Mice.

Tagline?

You Only Love Stealing From Mice…Because You Clearly Have Size Issues.

Who should direct?

Gus Van Sant.

Who should star?

Benedict Cumberbatch, Kim Basinger and Mira Sorvino.

Mr B compares the stories

Sean Connery’s fifth outing as Bond undergoes a staggering amount of changes here. Benedict Cumberbatch could well be a future Bond but here he’s Bondage…James Bondage, inept and downright clueless in investigating the simple case of a pet shop robbery. I’m actually surprised that Charlie doesn’t like James Bond to be honest, but given how much he struggles with more than one actor having played 007 it’s probably not that big a shock. If you do miss out on the Bond gig, Benedict, then worry not because Bondage is waiting for you!

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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