The Bleaklisted Movies: Once Upon a Time in the West

B-Lines and Felines - The Bleaklisted Movies
About The Bleaklisted Movies

The Bleaklisted MoviesMany moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Once Upon a Time in the West

What happens?

Three men and a baby (I mean a woman) in the Old West hang out, chat a bit then a couple of them die.

Reason for bleaklisting?

The absence of a theme tune for me. The others are awesome.

What should have happened?Once Upon a Time in the West

A gorgeous woman named Bill lives on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. The ranch is desired by an evil guy named Hank who initially tries to gain acquisition by sending letters and then spammy emails claiming Bill has inherited a fortune from the King of Purple Toadstools. With Bill resistant to all these attempts, Hank turns to threats and wielding one of those guns that fires a red flag saying BANG! Bill is aided by a mysterious man that plays a mandolin and is known as Mandolin. There’s also a local badass by the name of Walter whose trademark is to rob banks while he and his gang are all dressed as palm trees. All of this is building up to an epic tussle between the four protagonists but things suddenly change. I forgot to mention that the world these characters are in is weird. Sometimes it’s light, sometimes it’s dark, other times it stinks really badly and during the good parts of the day it smells very pleasant indeed. It turns out this world is contained within a single piece of clothing and it’s worn by some athlete who runs a lot, hence the strange smells in the air, the light, the dark and even that quite nice fragrance, a brand of Lynx deodorant if you will. In the end Bill and the rest of the gang realise what has happened and join forces to move to another piece of clothing next time the laundry is washed.

Working title?

Once Upon a Time in a Vest.

Tagline?

There were three men in her life. One to spam her, one to serenade her with a mandolin and one to show her his less than subtle impression of a palm tree.

Who should direct?

James Cameron.

Who should star?

Michelle Pfeiffer, Kurt Russell, Hugh Laurie and Spencer Tracy.

Mr B compares the stories

Sergio Leone’s Once Upon a Time in the West is my favourite Western so to have Charlie transform it into some bizarre combination of David Cronenberg and Clive Barker’s mutual geniuses is a tad concerning. The cast is certainly interesting, rich and varied, while James Cameron has the helm for this one. Somehow I can’t see it being a Titanic or Avatar success.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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