The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #10


The Diary of Mr Kain


Once every two weeks, myself and the other cats gather on the landing and watch as Beard Face endures his least favourite job. This job is the changing of the litter trays. There are four of them in total and it’s quite a challenge for the old boy. By the time he’s finished there are clean litter trays and a huge bag of used cat litter that he has to carry with both arms wrapped around it. At this juncture we consider tripping him up and making a mess but thus far our mercy has always taken charge and we’ve been content with the pitiful moans of a grown man who is hardly strong enough to handle the load. You humans with your flushy toilet things have got it all wrong.


Beard Face is continuing his job search and it just seems to get worse with each passing week. He’s now turned his focus to working at Costa. He and Frizzy Hair go there a lot as the old girl needs her caffeine fix and being married to the Yorkshire Ogre tends to take it out of you. Anyway, Beard Face went into Costa today and enquired about working for them. Most people would cite their work experience but Beard Face opted to share some of his own concoctions. Given that the suggested ingredients included bleach, goat’s piss, polo mints and nail varnish, it’s hardly surprising that the old boy was given a very firm “sod off” from Costa.

Blue space star nebula
Star Trek was a hot topic this week. Pity the argument was a trivial one.


Beard Face and Frizzy Hair had a very heated argument today. It was one hell of a domestic and led to frying pans being thrown and Beard Face even crushing a bag of crisps in fury. The reason behind this fall out? Well, the star crossed lovers were divided on who was the best Star Trek captain. That’s it. Broken cutlery and one very regrettable incident with a toothbrush, all over Star Trek. Buggles tried to weigh in by professing his love for Captain Berk but sadly his input was overlooked.


Beard Face and Frizzy Hair watched The Apprentice today and it was thrilling stuff. This week the candidates were charged with finding numerous items for the cheapest prices on the streets of London. The deal breaker was a skeleton with one team getting the right thing and the others deciding to get a paper one. Suffice to say, Lord Sugar wasn’t amused. My heart did go out to the candidate that lost who tended to talk about himself in the third person. Charlie has been inspired by this and now speaks in a similar fashion. “Charlie is going to shoot Beard Face today,” “Charlie is going to have a nap now,” and “Charlie has just pissed in Beard Face’s tea.” Priceless.


Twitter was on fire today with talk of Christopher Walken in Peter Pan. The great man played Captain Hook and while some people were full of praise, others were less so. Personally, I thought he did a great job though Beard Face kept assuming he was Captain Jack Sparrow’s mother. The tale of Peter Pan is always a bit much for young Buggles who gets excited about the idea of being able to fly, while Charlie was all in favour of the ticking crocodile, believing it to be a giant reptilian bomb. As Christmas approaches I shudder at the thought of what other memories I will be taking, under duress, from this end to 2014.


Beard Face is down with a cold so the house hasn’t been the most pleasant of environments. Whenever the old boy is ill he delivers a performance worthy of an Oscar nomination. He’ll tend to lie back on the sofa, arms spread and head tilted to one side, while he utters such pathetic phrases as “Woe is me,” “The horror! The horror!” and “Ask for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man.” Frizzy Hair falls for it, of course, because she’s a wet blanket but the rest of us take the opportunity to trash the house while Beardy waits for that call from the Academy.


Beard Face stayed home for the entire 24 hours today. It was agony. He spent his time cleaning, ironing, sorting the mail and admiring himself in the mirror while he wore nothing but a bathrobe, a pink one as well. I’m still not sure why he was doing the self-examination but it was one of those sights that would have left members of an elite army unit traumatised for life. I haven’t slept since I walked into the room but am hopeful that when I do the nightmares won’t be too extreme.

Mr Kain

Just an elegant cat, slightly bored with the world, living with my owners (Beard Face and Frizzy Hair) and five feline brothers (Razz, Charlie, Buggles, Bilbo and Frodo). Give me strength!

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