The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #39


The Diary of Mr KainMonday

The start of a new week and considering it’s June the weather isn’t really following the summer script. Downpours today and if it wasn’t for the kindness of Beard Face putting an umbrella up for me, I’d have been drenched. He does have some uses, I’ll admit that, and over the years he has done some things that would make many cats like, even love, him. The problem is I’m just not one of them. I mean, I like fish and chips (whenever I can steal them) but it doesn’t mean I want to get overly affectionate with them. Fish and chips compared to Beard Face is probably a poor example to be fair. The former are lovely in so many ways. The beard isn’t.


Shock of shocks. Beard Face went out today and did a day’s work. This will take some getting over. He wasn’t fired on his first day so that’s a shock in itself. What he was doing all day remains a mystery but he came home as if he’d been pulling 600 tons of rocks all day. I sincerely doubt he was doing that given that he left for work in shoes, trousers, a shirt and tie. Maybe he’s been working as someone queuing for benefits at the job centre.

Summer makes me thing of escaping to places such as this one. Either that or bury Beard Face somewhere this distant


Beard Face came home from work with an idea for a new pop act. He had in mind a duo. Not just any duo but a duo of the female variety, a sort of modern day Simon and Garfunkel if you will. He had in mind chart topping hits, highly profitable world tours and a greatest hits collection within three years of the duo forming. In theory it all sounded very interesting but there were just two minor issues. The first is that the old boy had to find his magical duo and the second is the name he had come up with – Simone and Gabrielle.


I spent the afternoon chatting with Bilbo and Frodo. I don’t often converse with the other cats but sometimes I think it’s only right to share my wisdom and understanding of the world. Frodo just wanted to sing but couldn’t decide between renditions of Paddlin’ Madelin’ Home or Paranoid. A strange quandary to be in and not one I was prepared to help him with. As for Bilbo, well, he continually told me of the wonder that is Frizzy Hair’s cardigans and how he often gets high off their scent. It was at this juncture that I decided to bring a premature end to my time with Bilbo and Frodo.


Beard Face completed his first week in a new job and didn’t get fired. Given that all he was doing was making the tea it’s no big surprise that he made it through okay. The good news is that he managed to avoid causing any stomach upsets or hallucinatory incidents, both symptoms of previous cups of tea he has made. I can vouch for these incidents given that I was involved in one when I suddenly became curious about what tea tastes like. Once I’d finished fighting the green dragon in the garden, I decided that tea wasn’t for me.


Have you ever woken up in the morning and asked yourself why? Why am I here? Why was I chosen? Why must I share a house with five over cats? Why is Beard Face such a moron? Why can’t Frizzy Hair recognise how awesome she is? Why did Beard Face have to mow the lawn today? Why did he have to go outside with nothing but shorts on? Why did I not take the shot when I had it? Why am I such a coward? Why does Ben Affleck still have a career? You get the idea, right?


Beard Face. A bow. An arrow. A tree. The result? Not the bloody affair I was hoping for.

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Dave Brown

I was born in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, England and have always been a bookworm and enjoyed creative writing at school. In 1999 I created the Elencheran Chronicles and have been writing ever since. My first novel, Fezariu's Epiphany, was published in May 2011. When not writing I'm a lover of films, games, books and blogging. I live in Barnsley, with my wife, Donna, and our six cats - Kain, Razz, Buggles, Charlie, Bilbo and Frodo.
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